


A Letter of Gratitude

by StarlightHawke



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Letters, M/M, Post-Canon, just killua being gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:06:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28055850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlightHawke/pseuds/StarlightHawke
Summary: A letter Killua sends to Gon when they're 17.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 11
Kudos: 57





	A Letter of Gratitude

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when you force a ND person to take a college course about self-improvement obviously aimed at NTs and they get so frustrated they turn an assignment about themselves into one about their current hyperfixation :^)
> 
> I took out the obvious parts but turned it in and my professor will never know uwu

Hey-

We both know I’ve never been the best at this kind of stuff, so let me cut straight to the chase. Feelings aren’t my forte, and especially not expressing them to others. I know this isn’t news to you after all the time we spent together. Every time you’d turn to me with that bright smile on your face, eyes sparkling with excitement and joy, to tell me that you were glad you met me or that I was awesome, I’d hide my face from you to the best of my ability. Instead of accepting the compliment, I’d shrug it off, call you stupid or embarrassing or something. I think, somehow, you knew how much it affected me, and how much I appreciated – no,  _ needed _ to hear that from you. You were my first friend, my best friend. The only person in my life who radiated light and saw me as more than the legacy I was meant to uphold.

I remember the first time I told you about my family, on the airship. I said it nonchalantly, a throwaway comment that most people were content to take as a joke. But you? You knew right away I was serious, and you didn’t judge me for it. I was only myself, separate from them, and you were quick to tell me as much. From that point on anytime I fell prey to the fear that I would turn into my father, that I was no more than the person they had raised me to be, you’d step in and tell me bluntly that I wasn’t. That I am simply me – Killua. Not Killua  **Zoldyck,** son and heir of the Zoldyck assassin legacy. Not a member of the darkness, not only a killer, not doomed to be alone or hated or to eventually betray you.

I never told you how much that support meant to me. I couldn’t – I didn’t know how to, and any time I even thought about it, it felt like my throat swelled and I couldn’t breathe.

It’s easy to look back now at my 12-year-old self and understand  _ why _ it was so hard. I’d never known that form of expression; I was raised on hatred, the only encouragement offered to me in reference to the skills they expected me to develop. There was no love, not without manipulation. How many years did it take me to begin to break out of that?

I wouldn’t have stood a chance if not for you. The beginning of my healing started with your kind words and open heart. You taught me that the world was so much more than the shadows, and that life had more value than simply as something to be ended. Where there was darkness, you brought light; your warmth chased away the chills. The nightmares came less when I was with you, because you brought comfort in both wakefulness and sleep.

Do you remember when you told Tsezguerra that I had to be the one to hold the ball for you when we were in that stupid volleyball game? I’m not sure you ever knew how deeply that touched me. Before, I’d known logically that you trusted me. Yeah, I’d felt it a few times, but never like in that moment - when I knew how far that trust went. Gon, I knew it then. I knew that it had to be you, too.

I said I was going to cut to the chase, and here I am rambling like an idiot. I guess this is what happens when I try to transplant my thoughts onto paper – welcome to what my brain is like at any given moment. If you ever wondered.

What I want to say is… thank you. Thank you for everything you did for me, during that time. For introducing me to friendship, to acceptance. For taking me home to meet your aunt and allowing me a glimpse at what a normal childhood was actually like. From the exam to the arena to Greed Island and even in the NGL, you always stood by me. Thank you for the laughter, the fun, the playing, and even the fighting. Arguing with you never was like the brawls I was subjected to at home. Even when I was livid and my blood was boiling, I never felt anything less than love for you.

~~ And ah, there’s the thing I never could say in person. I love you, Gon. I love you so much that it hurts to breathe. Halfway across the world and my heart still stalls when I think of you. ~~

By the time this gets to you, I’ll be on a ship headed to a tiny island that I haven’t seen in four years. Alluka’s excited to see the village I’ve told her about and to explore the forest. It’s taken me this long to work up the courage to send this letter and come see you. I hope you can forgive me for everything.

And don’t do anything too stupid in the meantime, got it?

**Author's Note:**

> WOW this got way more attention than I thought it would. Shameless self-plug for my other hxh Fic Shattered Truths here, but for those of you asking for a second chapter: I adore reunions so I’d love to give it a go, if I have time over winter break. No promises - especially since this was created because I was throwing a tantrum - but I’ll see what I can do.


End file.
